Summer Strategies!

Dear Parents-

Summer is right around the corner! Here are some reminders and tips to set you and your kids up for success. These are broad guidelines, so focus on what you and your family need most. If you need help please reach out to your parent coach, or myself, for assistance.

1) Praise & Encourage - Praise (reinforce to increase frequency) any and ALL behaviors you see that line up with your family values and that are health-oriented. If your kids are contributing, go crazy with praise and attention. If they are using skills to manage their frustration or for mood regulation, praise them! Let them know how much you believe in their ability to be good citizens of the home (encouragement skill with shaping) and that you are so proud of them (reinforcement). Using praise with encouragement is the ONLY effective way to increase and shape behaviors you want. Lay it on! Orient all of your attention to what is going well and give very little attention to what is going wrong (unless it is unsafe). Otherwise you risk reinforcing behaviors you don’t want and increasing resentment in the relationship. Resentment will likely lead to more resistance.

2) Promote Psychological Well-Being - Make a list of daily behaviors you need to see your kids engage in that promote their psychological health and well-being. Expect them to do the things that are recommended by health professionals in order to keep themselves emotionally, mentally and physically well throughout out the summer. Once you get an agreement on specific behaviors (see some examples below), then add that If you see they cannot consistently keep up with these things, then you (and their treatment team) will intervene on their behalf to ensure they are getting the support that they need. Don't tie these behaviors to privileges and keep disappointment to yourself if they are unable (or unwilling). Keep discussions of this oriented towards how much you care about them and how much you will be there to help if you see they need it. Also, keep in mind the word consistently. No one can do all of these things all the time. If you start to notice a downward trend, schedule some time with your child’s therapist and your parent coach to trouble-shoot. Air on the side of believing in their ability to do these things and provide tons of encouragement “We believe in you!”, shape with suggestion "self-care supports self worth!" and praise “great work!”.

Examples of psychological health related behaviors to expect:

Follow treatment recommendations such as calling your skills coach when you are in emotion mind, to show ongoing commitment to your treatment goals
Keep a regular sleep schedule
Be off screens at least an hour before bedtime
Engage in soothing activities before bed (bathing, listening to relaxing music, reading)
Take medication on time
Wake up at a predictable time
Start the day with good hygiene (be specific)
Engage in outdoor activities (be specific) for x amount of time per day
Engage in physical fitness (be specific) for x amount of time per day
Make nutritious food choices throughout the day (be specific)
Engage in social (non-gaming) distancing time with friends for x amount of time. Engaging in family time can stand-in.
Engage in hobbies old or new. Let them pick a couple of new ones to learn this summer. Two half an hour times during each day or for 1 hour. You can sit down with your child and write out hobbies they are already have and, or go online (for example, www.outschool.com) and have them choose some new classes.
Show you can use social media responsibly - let them know this will be monitored regularly and that they will lose their devices if they cannot do so.
Stay away from substances - Use over the counter drug and nicotine testing, rather than asking or guessing.

**I STRONGLY recommend downloading software called www.Bark.us - It is a subscription of $15 / month, and it will alert you to inappropriate, and harmful usage going out of and coming in through multiple internet platforms.

Create a google calendar or on a white board, with your child and put all of these things in their calendar on repeat. Spend some time helping them organize it if they need you to.

3) Expect Them to Earn Their Keep - People need to work for things in order to feel they deserve things. Define their household jobs. Write down what you want them to do and be very specific. Tie these to DAILY privileges or rewards (screen time, points that add up to larger rewards or money). These is how they are good citizens of the household through contributing. “It is my job to teach you these things". Decide in advance what their daily pay will be. For example, “If you’ve completed all of your chores, then you've earned x amount of screen time that starts after you’ve cleaned up after dinner. You can play until x time and then get ready for bed.” Be very specific with the parameters and be a broken record. Remember not to include any of the mental health behaviors above. Those earn intrinsic rewards of personal well being and health. You should never subtract points or money they have already earned. Schedule time daily and on repeat in their calendar to complete their chores.

4) Model Behavior You Want From Them - Nothing undermines your efforts more than engaging in the very behavior that you do not like your child exhibiting. Use mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills to model how to regulate your emotions and asking for what you want and need (your preference rather than what is going wrong). Stay away from criticism and punishing tones and words (Why are you...? Didn’t I ask you to...?) Let things go. Stay out of the ring of fire. Make sure you are not reinforcing arguing or negotiating behavior (don’t argue or negotiate with them) and walk away, disengage, cool down. Use effective changes strategies instead- encouragement, validation, prompting for what you want (shaping) and praise when you see behavior you want.

5) Stay Out of Power Struggles - For example, instead of asking for their device each night, use your provider service app to turn off the wifi, or their device at a certain time and be consistent with it. After you let them know the rules, just execute. No need to discuss! Never physically remove a device from your child. Ask for it and simply turn it off and completely disengage about it, if they don’t give it back to you.

6) Expect Flack - Most kids (people) do not like to be told what to do. Expect this and accept it (don’t try to change their mind or punish them for being angry). Use validation “of course you don’t like it, I totally get it. And at the same time you have to turn off your device and get ready for bed.” Then ignore the flack. Use empathy "I’m sorry you lost your screens for this evening. I know how much you enjoy it. We know you have what it takes to earn them back tomorrow!’ Then completely disengage.

Let me know if you have any questions and need clarification about the above. Remember, do just what is needed for your family and set yourself up for success. Even little changes can make a big difference!

I believe in you!

Belinda